I can relate to the addiction. I also almost died when it was at it's worst (more than once actually). I finally was able to get into a treatment program that helped a lot. The last time I had hurt myself severely, the pdoc at the hospital tried to have me declared incompetent and force ECT because he was determined it was a depression issue. He refused to listen about it being an addiction issue. It was a really traumatic experience, but it enabled my insurance company to grant me admission to a specialized program. I probably would have died the next time I cut if I had not been hospitalized for so long...

But I'm rambling... Is there someone that can sit with you through the urges? I found that helped the one time I was able to do it.

All the other substitutes don't do anything for me either.

Are you in therapy? Can you address it there in more depth? I have recently found that the hope of this new therapy is making it harder for me to actually hurt myself (I don't want to lose the opportunity to tackle the issues behind the self-harm). The urges are still there, and the desire is still there, but I can't seem to do it as badly as I imagine doing it. My instrument of choice no longer does a sufficient job, but I can't bring myself to use the replacement. Do you have something specific you use to hurt yourself with? Do you think maybe disabling it (so it does not do the level of damage you are looking for) would help curb the act? I've found that since my tool has become less dangerous, I have not been able to switch as easily as I had in the past. I still attempt the self-harm, but it doesn't do much damage. It was insanely frustrating for a while and messed with my head as I tried to find a sufficient replacement, but now I can't use the replacement. I just deal with the lessened damage from my tool of choice.

I know I should not be promoting the si, but if you can make it less-dangerous while you find a way to address the addiction and what is behind it, you may find it eventually leads to stopping.

Just some thoughts.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with it right now. ((hugs))