Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
How are you doing growlithing?
I think that you need not worry about empathy here on pc---I think that strong reactions to your post can only mean people can relate.
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I'm not really concerned about empathy on here. I've been receiving more than I ever imagined I would!
I'm still alive even if I'm not always 100% sure I want to be. 21 more days. I'll see my T in 23 more days (assuming that my orchestra conductors don't schedule my placement audition at a time that conflicts in which case I'd have to move the appointment).
I'm so lonely and I hate how weak I feel here. I'm literally hiding out in this basement, wishing someone would come save me. I feel like all of my power to control my life and be a strong, independant person was stolen from me by these people who are supposed to have my best interest at heart. I am not being the person I wanted to be when I would dream about my future when I was 10, 11 years old. I feel like I'm in a waiting room and everything I'm doing is a distraction from the fact that my life is a complete mess and I am letting this pathetic woman completely run my life because hers is too empty to entertain her. I'm happiest when I'm asleep, assuming that I'm actually able to fall asleep and I'm not having a nightmare. I really wish I could fall asleep and just not wake up ever again.
I hate who I am when I am around my parents. They are not good people. They are so racist and so homophobic that about 80% of their conversations involve saying something so bigoted that I want to punch them in the face. But I say nothing because like I said earlier, I have to pick my battles and arguing with them over that is a waste of time and would only end up in complete chaos. I hate that I just let it go like that. That is not who I am.
I just want to get out of here. I want to be my own person again. I want to have the freedom to go where I want to go, say what I want to say, and express myself without being told I'm wrong for feeling how I do. I want to be around people that genuinely do have my best interests at heart. I don't want to be alone in this war anymore. I've bee fighting too long and I'm tired. I really hope that life proves to be worth pushing through this. It hasn't so far.