Quote:
Originally Posted by middlepath
(((hugs))) If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of your family...it may be time for ER. only you know when its time. just for another point of view (if you do not want to involve your husband) can you call a crisis hotline? It sounds like things are rough and you could sure use some understanding support. Please take care of yourself and don't be concerned with anyone who tells you your acting childish or that it is in your head. Just keep in mind that you need to be safe and your toddler needs to be safe. Do whatever it takes to make that happen, even if that means making "the call". I will hold you in good thoughts and continue to send support and hugs your way.
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the only way i'm going back to the hospital is in handcuffs.
i'm afraid of crisis hotlines because i'm afraid they can track where i am and send the cops for me.
i'm going the drug route today - drug myself with lots of benadryl so i can remain calm (and tired). at least my baby has taken a nice long nap today and then i'm going shopping with my mom so i'll be away from him. husband is home now too so everything's going to be ok.
thank god i'm so med sensitive that benadryl will chill me out.
i guess what i really mean is i feel like I'M not real, like i'm not a live human being. i'm convincing myself that i don't actually exist or worse that it would be better if i didn't if i really do. i'm having trouble not self-harming because i think that would prove that i'm real....right if i bleed i must be real.
isn't that a movie somewhere? of course pinocchio wanted to be a real boy.
i can't share any of this with my therapist and doctor tomorrow. i don't even know if i'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. i only see the pdoc every two weeks in my program now that i am IOP. i can put a request in i think but i'm afraid to. i'm afraid they are going to want to hospitalize me and i just can't do that to my family again. it's so unfair.
i'm afraid i'm going to lose my $hit otherwise. i don't even want to go to program tomorrow but it's a worse idea to stay home.
i hope i can remember this moment the next time i'm feeling good and want to stop my meds.
thanks for your caring. i appreciate it.