I have been doing better this past week. My AmeriCorps term of service ended this week, and I completed my hours and am on track to get my Education Award so I can get money to continue taking Psychology classes.
Finishing up my term was the hardest thing to do for me; I felt as though I was treated unfairly by the non-profit I worked at; the top three comments I heard regarding me were "You're so pretty", "You're so nice", and "You're so good at working with kids", while my male co-worker worked on grants and database management and got hired permanently. I was also told "It was time to marry me off," when I bought in some food I had cooked for a staff potluck (I guess since I'm a good cook I should quit work and get married...)

Anyways, that is a little bit of background concerning why I've been such a wreck this past month. It doesn't help that my dad didn't think I was intelligent growing up and was more focused on the way I looked than on my studies. So, basically it's been really hard for me and I've been taking a lot of the frustration out on myself, and blaming myself, like I usually do.

So I feel more optimistic now that I've finished at that place, but I am seeing T on Tuesday and I feel like she is going to end things with me officially and make me go see someone else. I also got into the DBT study, but I haven't called them to set up an intake appt. Part of the reason for this is that if T hears I've gotten in she will make me go, which means I won't get to see her for 6 months/a year, and she is sick, so maybe by the time I get finished she won't be there at all. I also am wary of going, b/c I honestly feel like I don't fit the research criteria (suicidal with borderline personality disorder). I may be slightly suicidal, but I know I don't have BPD. Also, I think a lot of what I've been feeling and going through is situational, another reason why I don't think I fit the criteria.

I feel pretty OK right now, but I am scared that when T tries to wrap things up with me, I will fall back into a nervous wreck. I almost wish she hadn't called me and hadn't waited for me for a half hour, because of course I am going to come in after hearing that. It would just be easier for me to get my grieving over with rather than draw it out; I really didn't think she would call.