I feel like I'm imagining it, which is why it took me over a decate to do a thing about it.

I believe it shortly after one of my UPS (and sometimes during the up if I'm aware of being in it) because I'll be like "Oh... was I really just saying and doing those things?". But a bit later and I'll start doubting that it was really out of context for me.

I do not ever doubt the validity of my depressions however. Those are real. Even if the thoughts are stupid and not really what I would choose to think or believe, but those feelings are legit.

It's just the ups that I doubt. Are they actually an up or are they just a really good mood where I actually feel like I have a normal confidence level? (My baseline has a fairly low self-conscious, so I can tell I'm in an up just because I'll be thinking pretty well about myself). My hypomanias are pretty mild all told, and they wouldn't even be too far out of the normal range for most people I think. I just know that they are VERY different from my normal states of being.

Basically, my states are these, from worst to best: "I wish I was dead" "I hate my life and myself" "I'm really sad" "Meh." "I'm ok" "Hey, I'm actually a pretty good person and my life is fun!"

As my base self-confidence is improving though, I can tell that my ups are getting a bit more UP. I seem to be more willing to take silly risks than I used to.