Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
For not likeing sex, you sure spend a lot of time thinking about how much you don't like it.
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No argument there. Although, I would say that's not quite right. It would be more accurate to say that I hate
myself for
liking sex. I hope that makes sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
I left my stbxh 6 years ago & actually lived separated under the same roof for 13 years before that because I was trapped financially in the marriage. When I got out & after these 6 years, I can look back & really understand why having sex with him during the beginning 19 years was so disgusting.....because I have finally come to understand that there was NO LOVE from the beginning. For me, sex is ONLY an expression of love between 2 people otherwise, it's a disgusting act that much of the rest of society has chosen to think of as recreation rather than re-creation. I have my beliefs & they are NOT UP FOR DEBATE because they are HOW I BELIEF & THAT ISN"T GOING TO CHANGE (so don't even bother trying to go there with me).
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I'm truly sorry to hear about your difficulties and I sincerely hope you are to move forward in a direction that makes you happy.
In a way, you've just hit the nail on the head. Expect, I'm almost the exact opposite. Whenever I think about sex, looking at sexual content, or act on my sexual impulses I am afterwards slammed with a sledgehammer of self-hatred and rage. Funny enough, how I feel can always be summarized more or less in the words you've got capitalized in the above quote.
I'm always floored by how un-loving I feel for allowing myself to think that sex is something to be accepted and embraced. I'm very much like you in that my beliefs are unshakable and not up for debate. I find no trace of love or affection in the realm of sexuality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Basically, your T was right...you need to know WHY you think the way you think....I know what my feelings are based on & I have a complete understanding of why I feel the way I feel about it.......
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You're absolutely right and I thank you for it. I don't think the way forward is about taking drugs and medicine to cover up the problem but rather in better understanding not only why I think the way I do but why I feel the way I do.
I have a couple of theories myself and unfortunately my current T isn't quite the right person for me to be sharing these thoughts feelings with. So I'm officially looking for yet another new T. Opening up this awkward subject with yet another totally stranger isn't what I'd call appealing but I've got to believe
that the benefits of working through this will be worth the effort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Just as since I have never met a person who I am truly in love with to prove to myself that my feeling of disgust would go away when/if I would ever meet this person but know what I believe to be true.......
You also have not met a person who you are truly in love with to prove that you would not actually have your feeling of disgust go away if/when that would ever happen....you also hold it only as how you believe it would be, but you haven't actually ever proved it by finding that person who you truly love. Maybe your feeling of disgust would be overridden by the LOVE for the person. Honestly we never do really KNOW unless that actual occasion should arise in our lives to prove one way or another.....otherwise it's just exists in how we believe it would be.
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Again, you're right. But while it's true that I haven't met someone that special in my life, I just can't every imagine myself using anybody that way. Especially someone I might come to love. For me to love someone, to really truly love them, would mean that I would never ever want to use them in a sexual way. Because to me, that would be one of the most unloving things I could ever do to this person.
I believe that love, real love, does exist. But it's different to each person. And to me, sex and love are polar opposites. I cannot have one and also have the other.