posting here so i don't flood the board with my ramblings. i don't think i'll sleep at all tonight. seriously, what's the point? I feel like i could stay up forever even though i took benadryl to make me sleep. i've got so much to write but i can't finish a sentence.

today went better than yesterday because i kept myself drugged but dammit i don't want to have to do that all the time.

i feel like i'm being watched by DCPP (social services) because my husband said i'm on their list. i bet you they've been watching me this whole time somehow, taking notes in the stores i go to, taking notes on how i treat my son to watch me slip up. i almost hurt him today because i accidentally bent his arm the wrong way when he was screaming at me and i was trying to prevent him from hitting me - i just wanted him to stop screaming, not hurt him. i'm going to make sure i'm not left alone with him until this is over. i bet DCPP is reading this right now. I think i'm anonymous enough though.

i also think my job is trying to screw me over. they fired both my staff members (i have two classroom aides) and now i found out they moved my social worker to the room next door. they're trying to trip me up. they're trying to make it so they can prove i'm an unfit teacher and fire me and totally screw me for money

but the joke's on them because i'm a fcking awesome teacher. i already have lesson plans for well into september thanks to hypomania that came before the mania. i have so many ideas they won't know what to do with themselves. admin will see they're screwing with the wrong woman. i will take them down. they think they can beat me because i actually respect my students and their opinions so i don't discipline them properly. just wait. just wait. i took all the kids that no one else wanted last year AND kept them out of trouble and this is how they repay me? HA. admin's going to get a shock.

i'm trying to write my book but it's so depressing i'd rather not. i want to write to save the world. i think i can save people with my writing if i could just finish a fcking paragraph.

i don't know who i am right now. i'm not an earthling, that's for sure. and funny thing is i think now i never was. i never belonged anywhere, even from preschool i can remember everyone hating me.

i'm seeing moving shadows and i hate moving shadows and i hate seeing them and i wish it would go away. the dog sees them too though so maybe they're real. at least he's acting like he sees them. i still hear music even though there is definitely no music playing. i don't like the hallucinations.

but if you could talk to me IRL you'd never see any of this. it's all inside my own head. i keep it there so people don't think i'm crazy. but my facade is cracking. i hope i can keep it in front of the doctor tomorrow. but tomorrow in group is adrianna, and she is so boring. she lectures the whole time. i can't sit through a DBT lecture. i can't sit still at all. if i take benadryl before hand i'll just go to sleep and i can't do that either. funny enough the next module is emotion regulation. yay for me.

you know there's only two weeks left until i have to go back to school? TWO WEEKS. i have two weeks to stabilize completely otherwise i can't get back to school and work.

if they try to put me inpatient this week i'm going to flip out. like not even a joke, throw chairs and everything. the fight with my husband was ugly. i threw stuff at him, screamed at him, kicked things, threw things around the room....all in front of my toddler who i am trying to teach not to hit or throw. good for me. i'm a great mom.

hubby said the baby will start blaming himself eventually for this stuff. he's right i blamed myself for everything my mom did when we were young. i gotta get this **** under control.

maybe i will go to sleep. i'm so bored up on my own. i have nothing to do. i guess i'm done rambling. at least the benadryl cleared my mind enough so that i could write real sentences.