I'm sorry to hear you are so miserable.

But what I do read is that you really don't wish to end life, you just wish for the pain to end. You want the way things are NOW to end... why not think about the things in your LIFE that you can change... I mean things that are changeable whether you think you can change them or not! Anything is better than ending your life! "Just" end the life you are leading now, and make a new one! Even if you walked out on everything and had to begin all over again with a clean slate...that would be better than ending life IMO!

Can you list the things you aren't happy with? Which of them are in your control, or soon will be?