i just don't understand...

1. why i keep nearly doing it

and

2. why i can't do it when I get so near...

i don't know what's wrong... only thing that's different from a few weeks ago is the withdrawal... but surely that couldn't cause this???

I was in hospital in september after an attempt... was in for 3 weeks I don't want to do it again... really, don't want to put people through that again... but not sure what's happing at the moment...