You're right about the not knowing how to love myself. I think some of it stems from neglect, some from my family showing a lot of favortism towards my brother and the rest of it from being the product of an affair and feeling like a mistake.

I know I should just over these things, but I don't know how. It isn't like they consume my every thought or preoccupy me, but I do seem to get in a lot of bad moods where I have a lot of anger I direct towards myself. I hope therapy will help me to better deal with these issues.

I don't like the prospect of me having this kind of stuff going on and at the same time I have to be a parent, seem in control and nuture a child to grow up and live a good life. I have spent so much of my life being depressed, unfilled, empty and I don't want my mental issues to rub off on my child. It makes me feel like a failure, like I am destined to do a bad job. I know that the child isn't born yet and there is not a logical reason to think this way, but I feel it.