I can relate to this in a way. For me it's, well, if I was really in recovery would I be so adamant about not being able to give certain things up? Part of me is like, well, if ain't broke don't fix it. I'm in a delicate balance and I go for long periods of the day without thinking about it. But at the same time...if I don't have the stuff at home to make exactly what I want, I freak out and don't want to eat. I get downright pissed about it actually. And most of the time I want to eat out, and we don't have the money, and I try to passive aggressively manipulate my partner into taking me out when I really really want to go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even when it does work I end up feeling like **** because I know we can't afford it and feeling guilty because I don't want to do that to people. That's how I used to behave in my addiction. Obviously I'm still behaving like that now.
At the same time I'm trying not to beat myself up and remember that I've had an ED my whole life so why would I expect it to be different overnight? Recovery is so difficult. Argh. I'm still b/p/overeating free though. But I've stopped exercising, which I really love to do, and become really lazy. And I worry about getting into that trap because I'm worried that sitting around the house all the time like I've been doing is going to trigger me to want to overeat more, and also because I have noticed pain in my body that prevents me from doing more strenuous exercise that I would like to do and the only way for me to combat that is to work at it consistently. The first few months were fine but I fell apart around the time I fired my psychiatrist. Not because I fired her, but because she triggered me and now I have been spiralling and losing sight of everything that's important to me.
Anyway. Sorry for the novella. I hope you all are doing okay. I admire everyone here for caring, for trying, for feeling, for sharing.