Hello everyone. This is my first time posting to this site...or any other forum for that matter. I am not sure where to turn and I am becoming desperate for help. I am a 26 year old female. I am asking for different advice from anyone willing to help. I am currently in a relationship that is coming to an end. An end I do not want. I am not writing to figure out how to save my relationship, rather myself.

I have plenty of reasons why I have such low self esteem but I have no answers for how to begin to fix this. I grew up military with two alcoholic parents. My insecurities are very deep rooted and have become a sort of part of me. I seek to find security through other people, i.e. not being alone. I have ruined perfectly good relationships with my need to control everything in the other person's life. I feel lately as if I can't breath. I have lost control of my ability to simply coexist with another person. It is hard to explain because I can TRUST but my fear takes over either way. I have this burning desire to control and when I can't I become completely immersed with the feeling that brings. I have never been deeply passionate about anything and I envy those who can let go of the things they can't control to find that peace. As I am getting older I am realizing my life feels empty.

I have made a great deal of changes lately in order to seek this peace. I have started exercising and eating better, writing, eliminating all negativity from my days, and trying to focus on the good but this cloud won't move away. I am tired of living this way. I am not religious nor do I want to be.

I hope someone can give me some push in the right direction that I haven't thought of on my own. I am meant for more than this but I don't know how to find that path.