So I was advised to break this up into paragraphs and even threads. I have decided to make 2 threads about my pathetic life: general depression and later the relationships part, which is where I am trapped. So if you will all forgive me for the long and boring post, here we go...

I am disabled, in a wheelchair, and I am sure this affects my decisions and my life, though I like to think it does not. My whole life I was never accepted, even by family. I was treated as the poor crippled boy at home and the retard at school. I rarely had friends, though grade 12 when I actually did was perhaps the best year of my life. I did not have a real girlfriend until I was 27 (you read that right). She is from Taiwan and was studying for her PhD here in Canada. I used to tutor ESL to international students, first for money, then for some sense of belonging and self worth. And yes, I did meet my gf through tutoring (I know, so bad).
I have received a disability pension since I was 19 (I am now 34) and it is 1 of the things that makes me so deeply depressed. I feel that although I have a disability, I should be making my own money, not relying on the government for my whole life. I have worked a few jobs, though none longer than 14 months. I graduated with a Communications degree 2 years ago and found that 14-month job pretty quickly, thought it was my gf who sent me the job ad. She is also the reason I went to college, because she did not want to be with a man who had no ambition or direction. Looking back, I am incredibly grateful she pushed me and I see college as one of the bright points in my life. I was laid off from my dream job in February after only 6 months. The company was bought out and half my team was laid off, so I don’t blame myself, but it still gets me down.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple months and I do feel that I make progress with him while I am there, and I have managed to make some changes outside his office, such as emailing a former editing client (my newest attempt at being self-reliant) to ask for payment of a LONG overdue bill. I know she will not pay me and she in fact never replied to my email. I felt happy, however, that I took this step (wheelchair humour there), to ask for what I am owed. I now am at peace with this issue. I have a very bad habit of letting people walk all over me, as will be very apparent later in my pathetic story.
I think my biggest problem in life is I am not where I believe I should be. I look around me and see my family and friends (all 2 of them) being successful, taking chances, being HAPPY. This problem is connected to the relationships I have. My family still sees me as that little crippled boy who should be pitied and cared for. When I go out with my brothers, they often treat me. I am grateful, but I also hate this. I know I don’t have much money and they do, but each time they pay, it decreases my self worth. My dad gives me monthly cheques to help me buy transit passes. He makes this sound less pitiful by saying it is my inheritance in advance. What really bothers me is when he and my one brother say things like, "I am so proud of you! You graduated from college and are working (or looking for work)! We never expected you to amount to anything!" Umm…..thanks guys?