So the bf is supposed to come over for a visit. Up until a couple days ago he was thrilled...eager even. Of course, I recognized the pattern...he gets way eager just before the flip side comes out..when he gets distant. So I enjoyed it for what it was, and waited.

Sure enough, a couple days ago he got distant, didn't say he loved me when I said it to him (at the end of our skype visits). I finally called him on it, gently and he said the words mean nothing to him, it's about actions. It's an old saw and I said ok. (Nevermind, that forming the words and saying them IS an action.)

I mentioned why they are important to me but he just insisted they weren't important to him. So I let it go. I did ask him later if he still wanted to marry me as that was his original plan and the reason why we've gone thru all of this hell...and he said (not unexpectedly) he didn't know...he didn't know if he wanted to get married. He stated that we didn't really know each other because we'd only been in person company twice (both times for 2 weeks) and then this time (although we've known each other for years and have talked daily for better than a year) I mean.... I didn't even address it.

Because, quite honestly, I don't care anymore. I have my own issues I have to deal with now...and he has issues I knew (recently) I was going to have to deal with...but he's hurt me so many times with his push pull, mood swinging ... and he's supposed to be here in a few days. I almost wish he wouldn't.

I feel like even tho I've started my new life, I"m still on hold waiting for him. He was supposed to 'propose' properly to me when he comes over...that was his idea. We've known we were going to marry...again, his idea...and so now I'm thinking..effin h*** , does he expect me to be his forever gf? Sooo not gonna happen.

So I'm angry, furious, past furious and I know I'll crash soon and that makes me angrier because there will be tears and regrets and I just want to tell him he's a jerk and stay the h*** where he is.

Except I think I still love him. I just hate what he's doing to us, and has been doing for months. And I know we're gonna have to have *that* conversation if he does come...and I don't want it. In fact, I'm afraid of it. I just don't know what to do.

I know it's me...I know its not real, but I just don't know what to do except sit very very still and hope it passes. I know he feels my distance because I can't help but show it, because I'm afraid. I can't pretend anymore and when he shows his eagerness again, I'm afraid I'll just tell him off, just to watch him slink away. That's so awful .... he's hurt me so many times. I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate that he's done this to me and has ruined our visit even before he's gotten here.