Just wrote out a long answer and the forum swallowed it

I just feel like a loser and a waste of a life. The way I am now noone will want to look at me let alone be with me. One of my main motives in life is to be a parent but that's never going to happen because noone will ever want to come near me let alone have a child with me and (and this is a personal thing of my life not a reflection on other people its different for everyone) without that I feel like I've failed.

I'm going to die alone unloved, unlovable with no reason for me ever having existed.

I've tried to diet most of my adult life but between a minefield of things nothing has ever worked. Most of the time it's hard enough fighting the ED and BPD about food let alone the problems I've developed after the operation. Most things that help weight loss I either can't eat or don't like.

I'm no good with exercise either. I get obsessional with it and hurt myself in some way because I go from nothing to spending 5 or 6 hours a day on a machine or something and then hurt myself or the obsession spirals until it takes up my whole waking life but I don't lose any weight and I eventually crash.

I can't go to gyms as I get panic attacks and believe everyone is laughing at me and I'm ruining their day just by the sight of me. I hate walking. It's lonely and too quiet and there's no point to it. I don't want to use the exercise machine at home when my nephew is here because I feel really embarrassed and hate myself.

I eat generally well, except from when the ED or BPD take over, but it's taken years to put on this weight and it would take years to lose it and I just don't have the patience. Also I follow the diets at places like SW and WW and nothing happens. I stick to them to the letter and all around me people lose and I maintain or put on for no reason and I can't cope with things not doing what they're supposed to, and when I say it people look at me like oh you must be lying,you're not really following it, but I am!

I just.

I don't know.

Just, I guess those kids in school were right. I am fat and ugly and noone would ever want me and I'm going to die alone and noone will care just like they said.

Sorry. Just.

Yeah.