Today morning I woke up to "normal" mood after great mood from yesterday (not hypomania, just a general happiness). As we were packing for a vacation, I've got a small argument with my father. Nothing too harsh, but it was painful on my side, as my "defensive coping" wasn't ready after yesterday (as I didn't need it).
This sudden anger broke my mood stability and I fallen to depression again. As I was affraid of causing scenes, I've gone for a walk with my dog. My mood was getting lower and lower to the phase when I was searching for whatever sharp to cut my wrists. But all of sudden I thought to myself: "**** it, I don't even care anymore"; and it was gone. I was feeling normal again, I was happy I've just defeated depression. Too soon.
In a few minutes, depression was back (without SUI thoughts, for now). It came to full strenght when I was already sitting in the car, on the way to vacation. Suddenly something bad happened, something unknown for me. I couldn't breathe well, depression thoughts were racing through my head, I had this weird mix of SI and SUI thoughts (I can't explain it very well), I had odd feeling like my lifeline ends at this very moment, tears were pushing to my eyes, I was forcing myself to not scream...
It was horrible, and on top of that I was trying to hide all of it so noone would notice. Weird was, that I wanted them to finally know about my problems, but I just couldn't let myself to tell them. Well, not really me, but my old nemesis named social anxiety wanted to hide it. After few minutes it was gone and there was only anger left, but it all repeated after hour or two, then it was gone for good.
It was more than three hours ago, I'm feeling relatively normal now, I just wanted to ask you guys, has anyone of you experienced something similar?