Your feelings sound so very painful. I am so sorry there is so much pain in your life. Have you checked into online support groups for eds? Or perhaps even telephone support groups? I may have written that I called a hotline at the national eating disorders association, to explain my situation and ask for info about available and applicable online and phone groups.

I dont know if this would help, but I found a website based in the UK. You might find some help through these folks. National Centre for Eating Disorders | Support | Patient.co.uk Maybe its worth a try. idk. I know only too well how hard it is to find support and help for recovery. You found this community. And thats awesome. So keep posting. You are doing great.