Speed, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my brother, and his birthday was so damn difficult. It broke my mothers heart. He was going to be 24.

I say, in times like this, when important dates come around, let yourself grieve. If someone tells you to put on a brave face because he would want you to be happy; tell them that he would understand why you are so sad and lost without him. Someone on this forum taught me "let your heart break and mend over and over again" on the topic of grief. And it has helped me so much.

Birthdays are hard. The Holidays are hard. The anniversary of the passing is so hard. And I think, personally, to allow yourself to feel those emotions and miss him so much, is a sign of bravery. Not weakness. I wrote recently about my brother; "I will let you go. I just need to miss you more, first.". I still need to grieve. And I think you do too. You've made it this far, and know even though I am a stranger, I am proud of you. You are so brave.

A very happy though early birthday wish to him. Know you helped make his life a very happy one.