so I'm listening to Linkin Park now. It's very neutral for me. but I've heard all of the songs already. I would type on my blog, but I already did that. No way I'm blowing up the forum again, regardless of where my anxiety is.

I know that there is a responsibility for my actions regardless of any illness or condition.

It feels today like it did right before I went in to see the psychologist for the first time. I was in anger management, and they gave me this whole idea that they were there to catch people that were mentally ill to get them out of the system. It turned out that was b.s.... but I believed it and that's where I first realized that I wanted help. I gave every indication that I wanted help, but at that time, all I knew was that I was never right and all of my emotions and everything was bursting out of me uncontrollably.

I had a lot to hide, and everything was amplified, like 100 fold. I wrote the instructor letters trying to explain that I wanted help. But that wasn't her job, but I never gave up hope.

Ugh... the only reason I am posting this is because that feeling, the one that I had back then, well that's how I feel now being here. Not on this site, but being in this house. there are so many memories here of being alone.

and I know I am responsible for my actions. I get that. It's just hard to ignore.