Hon, Satan has you right were he wants you. He doesn't want to lose you. He is the one putting up the roadblocks between you and God, not God! The harder you try to get to know God, the harder Satan is going to try to keep you away from him.

If I was you, I'd seek some religious counceling. It doesn't have to be in a church if that makes you uncomfortable. Right off the top of my head, I would suggest a champlain with the Salvation Army.