oohhh do i know what u mean. ive done some very erratic behaviors over the years & i felt so self-conscious (& still do) because of the things ive done. some examples are laying down in the bathroom floor & pulling my iud out just out of the blue, leaving the house in the middle of the night in the freezing cold & going under the railroad trussell, grabbing the keys & taking off in the car with plans to spend the night in the woods. i did these things with delusions like i wanted to be like someone in the movies who survives in the woods i guess like sly stalone in the first blood movies. i was just recently diagnosed by my new pdoc as bp1 & looking over the past 10 years & even as a kid stuff made so much more sense. now instead of bringing up these things to hurt me my hubby is more like "oohh thats what was going on with u". my dad has mental illness & he is like my best friend & is the only one who hasnt said bad cruel words to me through all ive done. next time my mom starts in with cruel words im just gonna go off cuz im tired of letting her run over me & being so nice. like u im gonna tell people im bp1 & my actions were the result of mental illness not because im a bad person & if they want to know about it to read about it. im sick of people judging me. im getting pissed typing this. also in school i would have angry outbursts & just have never looked at the world like "normal" people. ive always thought someone was out to get me, very paranoid & anxious, afraid to go out of the house, & then having downswings of major depression. i used to medicate myself with food in school (& still do in spells). i went on to medicating with alcohol & became a full blown alcoholic & am now recovering thank the Lord in Heaven. i wish u the best hun & hugs hugs!