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apologies to Elvis for the play on his song in the title
I've been dithering about posting about all this stuff for a long time. I would compose posts in my head, but never type them out and post them.
I've tried to figure out which forum to post in... Most of the folks I know post/read in the social forum, but that's for light stuff. Some of what's going on is grief, but not all. Some of it is about fighting negative thinking, but that's not all. Some of it is about work, but that's not all. I kind y'all get the point. There's a whole lot of stuff going on that all ties together, but doesn't fit in one forum. So I decided to try here. Mods, could you please leave the post here? I'm not sure I can handle having it moved.
I'm not sure what to say so I'm just going to type as I think. Part of my reluctance to post so far is that I have it in my head that I need to keep it light here. It's part of the persona I've developed. Liz is there for other people, but doesn't need help. That's reverting to some bad old thinking on my part...
I try really hard to have a positive outlook on the world. I try to be positive and supportive in my posts here. Life dumps enough poop on us, I see no reason to spread it around. The last few months I've struggled, not so successfully, to remain positive in my dealings with the world. I thought I was doing an OK job of covering up how I was thinking and feeling until a new co-worker commented that I seemed kind of aggravated. She's right. My fuse has grown really short. After a visit to my pdoc Monday I think I've sorted out where my crankiness is coming from.
here's what's been going on in no particular order.....
My old boss at work moved to a new position in the agency in June. They hired her replacement from outside the agency. At the same time they restructured our program. A new supervisor position was created. I applied for the position since I'd done the work before. They said they were going to make a decision quickly. Ended up taking six weeks to make their decision. I did not get the job. They are bringing in another person from outside the agency. I have mixed feelings about not getting the job. There are pros and cons to both sides. In any case, there are going to be big changes at work. I've learned to be a flexible person. I'm good at going with the flow. At the same time I also know that given my personal history change is some times tougher for me than others. Change that's outside my control can scare the poo out of me. In the past not being in control meant danger. The rational part of my brain knows I'm not in physical danger, but those old feelings are tough to keep under wraps.
This time of year brings up all kinds of grief anniversaries. Last Sunday made 13 years since my husband died. Next month makes 4 years since Mom died. This might not mean much to the non-animal folks, but I also lost two of my dearest furbabies 4 years ago this month and next.
more animal stuff... I've posted about this in pets some. I have my Mom's cat, Callie. She was diagnosed with cancer in June. There's not much we can do for her. The tumor is growing back. Eventually it will be terminal. I'm grieving because I love the little critter. Plus she is my last link to Mom, which brings up all sorts of stuff related to Mom. Then there's my Lab, Al. I've posted about this in the pets forum too. Al is the man in my life. He has gotten to be an old man and is wearing out. There's nothing specific wrong with him, he's just old and dying. more grief stuff...
This might not seem a big deal to some, but I found out at my most recent eye exam that the reason my vision has gotten blurry is that I have cataracts. It'll probably be another 10 years before I need surgery, but it still knocked my pegs out from under me.
To top it all off I'm really struggling with my fibro and chronic fatigue. I'm having flare after flare. I'm exhausted all the time. I get frustrated because by the time I drag myself through a day of work I'm too exhausted to do anything when I get home at night. I worry what's going to happen when things pick up at work because this is our slow time of year. I worry I'm going to crash and burn when we get busy. I have ADA accommodations, but I don't know if the new boss is aware of them. I don't want to bring it up to him because I feel like I'm asking for special treatment if I do. I KNOW, I KNOW it's not special treatment. I'm talking about how I feel.
Laying it out like this for my pdoc helped see why I've gotten grumpy the last few months... whole lot of stressors going on. I talked to him about the negative thinking I've been having. I was worried because that can be a sign of depression for me, but I don't feel depressed. I feel short tempered and cranky, not down.
I always feel better when I have a game plan, maybe it's the sense of having control that it gives me. I don't know. At this point I'm trying to figure out what it will be. Obviously I need to do something to reduce my stress level. Everything else is stemming from my reaction to the stress. I'll let y'all know what I come up with once I've figured it out.
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