He finally answered one of my texts. Told me to just worry about myself and my kids...sigh. He never says "my" kids. It's always "our" kids. Says a lot about his mindset. Haven't heard anything else. That text was at 3:45.

Deelooted - As with your wife it's amazing what a woman will withstand for the man she loves. Your brief story gives me hope that someday we will be a more successful story also. I often think about leaving him but thinking is far different then doing. In reality that will never happen. It's a different kind of commitment then one such as a marriage or relationship. Not to be offensive to anyone but it's more like a parent/child commitment in that you go into it knowing (or at least you should) that the road ahead is going to be hard, hurtful, and long but you decide that no matter what happens there is no off ramp. A good parent will have faith and love for a child no matter what they do. They will hope that if that child makes bad choices that they will someday come to make the right one's. You can't always be there to watch over them and sometimes you have to let them feel the consequences but deep down that child knows they can always run home. Being a spouse to an unmedicated BP is pretty much the same. Even in the lowest moments my husband knows he can always come home and that I will always be waiting. It isn't because my love for him never waivers or that I never despise what he does to me. It's a commitment that has to be remade each day; sometimes each minute of every day. You can stumble but you can't ever give up.

Landskaperdan - I am exhausted but I have to confess that it's mainly the depression getting worse. I'm having more trouble controlling it these days it seems. My Dr doubled my antidepressants. I didn't exactly take that as a good sign. :/ It's causing a lot of problems. He's more unstable because I'm unstable. Basically it's just a complete mess.

Yes, he's having an episode except recently its been depressive instead of manic. He isn't raging like normal. I would gladly take the raging over this sullen cold silence. At least when he's manic he's engaged. Right now he is just existing I think. He rarely speaks but when he does it's harsh. He has started with the whole you have found someone else crap again. He's never disappeared on me this long before.

I'm just tired. I can't sleep. I can't think. I cry all the time. I feel like there is a cement block sitting on my chest. I guess on the upside I lost another 15 lbs! Silver lining there I guess. It's been a very long time since I was this big of a wreck. I'm not sure how to muster the energy needed to pull him out of it when I can't pull myself. My mom called today and said aren't you excited? You've been married a month today! All I could think was a month? It's only been a month?

I know I'm not in a good place right now. I just can't seem to remember where I left my strength at. I know it's here somewhere.