Yup, when the going got rough last year, I folded like a house of cards, collapsed into a heap, needed to be scraped off the floor. Life stress, job stress, family stress, all contributed. Until the final straw, death threats on the job. Which sent me over the edge.

Problem is, I have a history of being weak, overly sensitive and emotional, fearful, aloof and avoided people until they kinda pushed into my world, then I was ok with them. All stems from a childhood with very abusive, threatening father, would fly off the handle for no reason, he hated me and told me I would never amount to anything, despite the fact I was a straight A student. But the thing he did that I think most affected my sense of masculinity was to tell me I was weak, effeminate, and gay, a "mama's boy". Yes, I was sensitive, yes I did hang around my mother, she was my only support in the house, but mostly I felt like her protector from him. I took the blows for her as much as I could. I think that merits just a few points towards being a man. Finally, he completely isolated us, no friends, no activities. I desperately wanted just to be "one of the boys" and do things like play Little League or hockey. It was forbidden.

I always felt psychologically stuck at like age 16. I was never comfortable even referring to myself as a man, used to say I was a boy.

Gotta change. Been working on it. Making progress. One thing I did was join a gym, kinda living out boyhood dreams of the friendships and of doing sports/athletics. Frankly, I enjoy the high testosterone aspect of it, being just "one of the guys", making friends, etc. I also took boxing lessons, I thought staring down an opponent in "combat", even if in sport, would work, except frankly it was too much fun, I got to know my PT and the other guys, and it was very friendly, so not exactly like Rocky or Oscar de la Hoya facing down a tough opponent - it was more like teenagers goofing around, having a good time.

Honestly, had I been tougher, I don't think last year would have happened.

Whatcha think, am I on the right track, "man up", get tough, get strong?