I know when I'm getting stressed out. My eating habits change. I'm either emotional eating or emotional not-eating. As time goes on and especially lately, I'm getting to not wanting to eat. It's like I'd love to lose 20 pounds overnight if I could. I'm not eating much right now, and when I do, I "lose" half of it immediately after. I was thinking it's like I don't deserve to have food in my body. The more I do this recently, the more anxious I get. I think the anxiety is from doing it and I know that it's wrong. It's just so damn easy! I don't normally even need anything to trigger a gag reflex to bring things up--I can do it on my own usually. It was really hard in the beginning, but it didn't take long to learn how to do it better and without using anything. And it continues to get easier. Easier to do, easier to get more out. I know that I'm heading for trouble. Almost every time I'll do this, I notice slight bleeding in what comes up. I don't usually need much effort, and it still happens. It's almost rare not to. I think that I didn't notice any bleeding only once or twice of all the times I've done anything. Things have been more frequent over the past month or two. Bulimia pretty much really first surfaced in February this year, gradually building up. I went a while without after that first time in February. I'm just really scared right now. Scared about this and a lot of things. My life is so crazy and effed up right now, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my kid's T. I'd like to, but I'm too afraid. That's kind of a PTSD thing with him, and him knowing things about me. I just don't know what to do. I'm being bulimic right now because I can. I feel like I don't deserve to have food in me. I'm not eating much of anything lately, but when I do I'll purge until I'm satisfied. Maybe until I can't feel much left, or until I tire of it. It could last 15 minutes or a half-hour. Once I start, it's hard to stop. I want to keep going. It's getting so much easier.