Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
How can it be, that on the one hand, they are these dumbheads we wouldn't cross the street to talk to, but on the other hand, all they had to do was one dumb job - be nice to us - and they couldn't even do it, and the result is we feel like crap for the rest of our lives. It just doesn't make sense. It's like nothing else will ever make up for it, as if our monkey brain knows we were meant to be abandoned in the wild. I think this is why my t keeps trying to push me to just get mad. At least then I dont give up.
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I don't understand how keeping your hands to yourself and not saying things that directly will harm your kid's psyche can be so hard. I mean, my mom sometimes screams at me and tells me that she hates me. Even as a kid, I never said "I hate you too" back because I felt like it would potentially hurt her. Maybe I'll understand if something horrible happens and I have children (at 20 years old, children seems like the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone. Maybe I'll change my mind someday) but right now, I don't get it.
I also don't understand how my dad justifies having absolutely no relationship with me because "he's shy". Well, maybe he doesn't try to justify it like that. I wouldn't know. He doesn't talk to me. My mom always tries to justify it to me like that or she'll just say I'm so obnoxious he doesn't want anything to do with me. But really? He's shy? It's not like he just entered my life when I'm 20 years old. He was the first person in the world to see me and the first person to hold me (after a nurse of course). Was he scared to spend time with an infant? Was he too shy to talk to me when I was 2? How about 6? I can understand being nervous to build a relationship with me now, but how did he just manage to let all of those years go? He wasn't shy. He wanted a little boy. They thought I was going to be a boy because I was a pain during my ultrasound. But then I came out as a girl. I was a disappointment from the moment I was born and my personality only made it worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
It would be easier if I was cut off from family completely but the ties still linger. The wish for things to improve someday is there. Thankfully there are a few billion other people to get to know out there.
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A comedy tribute to not being alone...
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I don't have emotional ties to my family. That's a lie. I do. But they are all anger and resentment. I don't want to make things better with them. They are horrible HORRIBLE people. I typed out an example of what they said yesterday that really REALLY made me angry, but I decided against posting it because it is so offensive I don't want to hurt anyone who is struggling with their gender identity. There is no sense in passing that kind of vile, insipid bigotry along where someone could see it and get hurt.
I don't want to repair our relationships. I want to completely cut ties from them and go absolutely no contact without telling them why. I told them once about this. I confronted them once about what they did to me and how it hurt me. They blew it off. They told me someone coached me into believing that and nothing ever happened. I'm not going to go through the pain of explaining it to them again. I want them to live the rest of their lives knowing that I am alive and that I want nothing to do with them. They can live until they day they die wondering what they did so wrong to deserve not being loved by their own daughter just like how I grew up wondering what I did to make them hate me. I am so done with them. I want a mom and a dad, but I don't want them just like how they wanted a child, but not me.