T#2 wants me to call him or email him in a crisis so we can process right then and there what is going on and he can diffuse me. I have only emailed him and it was after 8pm. He always got back to me. Over the months I realized that he can not help me......bilateral tapping of the knees do not work, telling myself these are feeling from the past do not work and asking that triggered part what it hopes for me or what does it want does not work for me. So I wrote T off as someone who can help me and just the thought of that makes me feel so alone and even more desperate.

Now T#1 I emailed him late in the afternoon asking if he still had an appointment open because I have been a mess for 2 days and scared for my safety going into the weekend. He called me but I was driving. We arranged a time to call him as soon as I was done traveling. Some how there was a disconnect. Several hours later I emailed him upset and he emailed me trying to get me to call him again and he was going to call me in 15 min. if I did not call him back. I told him do not bother I did not feel like talking anymore. He sent another email requesting to please call him the next day. I did not respond until Sunday. This is the email I received in response.

Thank you for the email. Yes, I had been hoping for a response (even though you said you did not want to talk.) Yes, your response did matter to me very much. I have spent some time thinking about you, and sending positive energy your way. I hope the positive energy landed on you and not on someone else working out nearby...(I'm not the best shot.)

On Friday, I was waiting by the phone (office-to-cell set up) and jumped out of the ice-cream line when you emailed me. (No guilt there -please- I eventually got my ice cream. I just wanted to paint you the picture.) I'm guessing that you must have called the right number at 7pm on Friday but - understandabely - did not let it go several rings, and then you did not wait to leave a message. If you thought I was actually in my office then you were probably giving it just a few rings, thinking I should be able to pick up if it is right in front of me. Enough about the disconnect: We tried!

I hope that you are feeling better.

I love him and just knowing he is there for me really made me feel not so alone. I saw him the following week and processed what happened. He said it would he ok to call him if things got real bad like that and thanked me for not killing myself and was real happy I was sitting in front of him. This was the first session we hugged. I been with him for 10 months.