I'm sorry to hear that your going through such a hard time!

It's been about a week since i've cut (5 days since i si'd in general), and I felt like you felt yesterday. I bought new razors (I have this thing where they have to be new/fresh/sharp) and just wanted to connect with the razor. So what worked for me (and I say don't do it unless you can control yourself - I have control issues lol so i'm pretty good about it), but what worked for me was taking the fresh razor and just lightly touching it on my face. Not cutting, just kind of grounding myself with the razor, knowing it was there, taking in the smell, lightly touching it on different areas. And then when my pulse stopped feeling so heavy and the urges lightened, I put it away. =] Hope this helps for you. =]