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ThePainNeverDies · Aug 14, 2013, 11:00 AM

I went to see a new therapist today, or a counsellor I should say. We have 6 sessions together, in which I am supposed to tell her my whole life story and why my Mother's death is affecting me so much - and leave those sessions feeling better.

So one of the things that came up today is that I am rubbish at showing my "weakness" and by weakness I mean, by crying or getting upset, or getting angry. Showing emotion in any form actually. Why am I rubbish at it, she asks? Because I am terrified of being vulnerable to attack.

This is where I am stuck. I KNOW that with my partner, I am not vulnerable to attack. He will not laugh, call me silly, get angry, or tell me to stop crying. He will simply cuddle me and ask me what is wrong. But my head tells me that actually, inside he will be angry and cursing me, thinking that he wishes I would just grow up and shut up.. Yep, that's what has been (literally) drummed into me.
I know that my counsellor isn't about to do any of that either, she will also ask me what has caused me to cry, hand me a tissue and listen to me blub it out. Exactly the same with my friends. So why am I so afraid?
I think it's hearing myself say why I feel rubbish, being afraid of not being able to stop the pain or the tears, hearing myself say all the bad stuff that I don't want to accept or admit has ever happened to me.

I don't want to accept that my Mother is dead. When I think about it, or hear myself say it, my voice breaks, I get a lump in my throat and if I am at home alone, I sob for hours. I miss my Mum, I talk to her every night and tell her so. I tell her how much I love her and I tell her I need her with me tomorrow for whatever difficult thing I may be facing next. I am still not accepting that she is dead.

Writing anything is easy for me, it doesn't mean that I accept what I am writing. Even reading it over, I feel as though it is somebody else's life I am reading about. But saying it out loud, it sinks in and I hear myself say "............. happened to... ME" I HAVE to accept it then, and 2 out of 3 times I do.

I just simply cannot wrap my head around this, and it is getting me so stressed out and frustrated because I do NOT want to hold back this time, I don't want to force myself not to cry when I NEED to, I don't want to laugh and smile when I say something difficult, or just pick at my nails. I don't want to pretend that everything is OK and that I am happy with my life the way that it is. I don't want to pretend that it is life and that I don't care and will just carry on as normal. Because THAT IS NOT HOW I FEEL INSIDE!!!

Please tell me I am not the only one who feels like this. How can I stop myself from all of this? How can I just let it all out? Do I have to plan it, or just dive in without thinking and do it, hoping for the best? I am scared, it is scary, it is absolutely 100% terrifying for me even thinking of releasing all this stuff, but I NEED to. I simply cannot hold onto it any longer It is killing me.