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Originally Posted by lucky2001
I’ve been seeing the same therapist for almost two years. I really like her but i feel like i can’t open up in therapy. There’s so much i want to tell her but i have a really hard time trusting people in general. I feel like she will leave me if i don’t open up. She’s usually the one initiating the conversation in therapy and she told me that sometimes she’s hesitant of asking questions because she feels like if she forces me, I will withdraw even more. But the truth is i want her to push a little bit more so maybe i can open up. After the therapy session today, I just feel like she will leave me. I couldn’t even tell her about how hard last week was and how bad the voices and the delusions were. I just want to be a better client for her. She asked me how i would describe myself and i couldn’t tell her because i don’t want her to know how much i hate myself. I just got out of therapy wanting to hurt myself because I feel like my therapist hates me for not being able to open up. Anyway, what should I do to open up more? Does anyone have any suggestions?
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I can relate so much to what you wrote. I've had these kinds of experiences and feelings too. Even after 6 years, it can happen. What I found most helpful was to keep talking to my T about these times. She doesn't judge, and your T won't either. She helped me learn about me when we talked about this.
We've even had some fun talking about what I fantasize as the perfect patient (floats in, pours out everything on her mind, engages intellectually...) and she was able to reassure me that therapy is hard, opening up is hard, trust is hard, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is hard...
Talk about all of this with your therapist, because it is all important, and it is where you are right now. It can create a vicious circle, worrying about disappointing T, which causes us to withdraw, which causes us disappointment in ourselves and increases the worry of losing T... Talk to her about everything you wrote, or print it and take it to share with her, so she can help you understand what is happening and offer you some reassurance.
