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Healingme4me,
I am so sorry to hear that you have been through this too. It is probably one of the most painful experiences we as human beings will ever experience in terms of emotions.
You are almost right about my fears. It was from having my emotions laughed at and belittled. In fact, I was beaten to the point of broken ribs and within an inch of my life, because I screamed and cried when I fell off a bunk bed with already bruised ribs. So having people call me stupid, weak, silly etc for showing emotion, has stuck with me and now that gives me fear.
It's funny, I hadn't actually read all of this until after I got off the phone to my partner. I sent him a text saying I'd had a really rubbish day and felt awful, so he called me. I blubbed down the phone about my frustrations and such and I explained to him why I have these fears. He understands and has said that we will talk about the difficult stuff at the weekend because he wants me to, and because he knows that I need to. He said that maybe just one good experience of releasing stuff, will encourage me to do it more and will make me feel safer about it. I love him even more for that. He is very respectful and compassionate, he is much like me which is scary in a way because I have never met anybody who has a similar attitude to me, let alone so similar. But it is very helpful because it enables me to trust him more than I have anybody ever.
And yes, it is like tapes playing in my head - good analogy.
I know there's no wrong or right way to grieve, I guess I am just afraid that I will start crying and never stop because of how much I have blocked out these emotions and just held onto them, letting them build up more and more.
It is going to be scary but I have to at least try, right?
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 Let those who try to destroy you, destroy only themselves with their efforts...
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