You're right. We don't know what will happen. Crazy stuff happens all the time. I just don't foresee it happening. Life is so much more painful when I'm hopeful for things because then I have to experience being let down and broken hearted. At least this way, life either pleasantly surprises me or follows the way I predicted. I'm just not sure if it's worth going through all of this struggle in hope of something that may not even happen. There are plenty of people on this site 40 years older than me who are still completely miserable. Maybe they'll get happy tomorrow, but that wait isn't worth it to me. Maybe I'm just someone who doesn't need to live until 25.

Maybe I am catastrophizing. I don't know how to stop and the only person who can actually maybe help me is totally unreachable. She said she'd be there for me, but where the hell has she been for the past 13 weeks? I know it's not my T's fault, but it doesn't change how I feel about the situation. I mean, if anyone is picking up on the strong sui tendencies of what I'm writing (which I'm sure all of you are) it's so abundantly clear that I needed real professional help like yesterday but I can't get to my T and I don't know how to handle myself anymore.