Part of it has to do with me having to go through hormone changes as a teenage girl. As you know, I'm daydreaming of sex all of the time, and sometimes my active imagination tempts me into thinking about my friends I had in the past (sword, white feathered wings, manly...). **** happens, and I can't really help it.

Also...I will admit it now, but I am struggling spiritually to find my place in life. I feel interested in wanting to be with (you know who), but then I know I don't want to, and that I want to stay with Mariah. These dreams I keep having, it just feels like my life is being fought over to join a side. However, it really feels like I'm being forced to join the "good" side (the holy of the holy), and that I'm being pulled back into that light path. I don't like that, and I even said, "I hate the light!"

I do hate the light, it scares me. I always feel comfortable being in the dark, and I always have been.

Last night, I felt like I was being forced to read my Dictionary of Angels, and I knew that I didn't want to, but a voice in my head was telling me to do it. I was freaking out and hesitant in even picking it up. I had a bunch of things stacked on top of my book to keep myself from touching it. I read a little bit of it until my dad yelled my name at night and I answered back. It turned out that after a long moment of silence that he was talking in his sleep. I didn't read any scriptures on any of the archangels, although, I thought back on the picture I saw in the book showing Raphael descending onto Earth from Heaven, bare-chested. I can't help but say that it was a turn-on for me.

The other bad thing was, I didn't finish my ritual I perform to ward off the angels from appearing to me, and I have to do this every night before I go to bed. My ritual consists of:

• Shutting my laptop and having it's top-right corner touching the wood baseboard to the left of my locked door on the inside of my bedroom, while the mouse stretches across the floor to touch the wood baseboard to the right of the door. This acts as a shield to barricade the door and seal it from the outside.
• Then I throw my blanket up on my bed and make it neatly.
• I put my glasses under two pillows and on top of one pillow on a computer chair in the corner to the left side of my bed. This prevents me from seeing any evil beings when I go to sleep.
• Then I pick up my anime plush doll (Russia from Hetalia) off the floor and hug him from left to right about 5 times on the side where my glasses are. Then I set him down on that side of the bed and walk over to the other side and repeat the same number of times hugging him. I set him down in that same spot, only I tuck him under the blanket.
• I then shut off the light and cover myself quickly with the blanket to hide myself from them.
• I have my air cooler turned on to high-cool to drown out noises.
• When I'm under the covers, I sleep on my left side and cover my stomach with my right arm (to prevent my stomach and breasts from being touched. Which has happened before.) and I ball up my fists and cover my ear with my thumb-stub to drown out any noises. I have been doing this since I was 13 years of age.

Well, last night I didn't hug "Russia" all the way and I just decided to go to bed, knowing that the angels would appear to me, and they did.

First, my dream started off with a small scene from the movie I remember watching "Little Women", where Amy gets in the carriage and is kissed by Laurie. I got into the carriage, and a key drops onto the seat. Then I step into a small tavern that is all wood on the inside, and it's kind of old fashioned, so I decide to go to the restrooms, and I open the door to find a man already on the toilet. I get out and all of the men at the bar are laughing at me.

Then it shows me coming out of the bathroom, and I leave a small building to see a dark cloud in the sky and a really big tornado with lighting flashing all around it (it was a f5 tornado). I was in a parking lot, and I tried to run from it, but the wind was too strong and I was holding onto the grey car that I was in front of me. I started yelling to Mariah, "Mariah, help!!!" but there was no answer, and she didn't come.

I thought to myself, "****, I'm screwed anyway." so I get in the car and I'm pulled towards the tornado. There were children with blonde hair and blue eyes that were being lifted up in the golden-light funnel and they are staring at me. Then there was an African-American man (I don't mean to be racist, but he seemed important to the dream), and he was preaching something and then he laughed.

I was back in the room I was in last time where Michael and Gabriel were doing a ritual on me. I thought to myself, "Oh no..." Only this time I was tied down to a white bed flat on my stomach and there were colorful ornaments that surrounded me with a light to my left. Gabriel said something about preparing a syringe on the left side of me, which a thick syringe was in his hand. Michael said he didn't know how to do that.

I thought to myself, "Isn't that Raphael's job? Only he knows about medical procedures." I managed to slip out of the rope I was tied down with, only it was rubber bands. Michael and Gabriel left the room and I was naked on the bed, Raphael then appeared and was on the bed. He was on my back, and he was naked too. He was talking to me in a seductive voice, and it was also babyish too. He was grabbing my butt and massaging it, then he was touching me up and down, and I felt him rubbing his member up against me. It was turning me on. I then came down from the funnel and I heard my voice say something along the lines of, "Will I ever see you again?", and then a soft answer.

I can't remember it now that I'm thinking of this.

After that, I haven't really been fearing the angels today, and I seemed more relaxed and calmed with thinking about Raphael. He doesn't seem to scare me as much. I'm "okay" with him now. I'm uncomfortable with Gabriel being around me, and I'm still scared of Michael. My fear might be coming back tonight though. I really don't want to be close to them. I need to avoid them.