Saw the new T early this morning, before work, and this was the first day using what I call her magic beans for bilateral stimulation. We weren't yet doing any trauma work. We were just resourcing me for the road ahead. Still, it kind of rocked my whole day emotionally. I wish I could see her after work, but she only has morning appointments.

It's difficult to truly scrutinize your life for protective and nurturing figures and stare down the fact that you've seldom if ever felt particularly safe or unconditionally loved. After thinking for an infernal length of time, spelunking the deepest recesses of my brain for other, more emotionally available options, I finally settled on my former, now-retired T as my "nurturing presence," which is kind of sad given that we had a professional relationship that can't be continued outside that environment.

I thought I already understood the depth of my loneliness, but I think I reached a new low during this exercise. Afterward I went to my office and did my best to keep interactions to a minimum. I felt a little too raw to reliably mask my feelings.

And this is the easy part of the journey, right?