Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
But I was very wrong. No one is more surprised than me that my "normal" now is happiness. Not running through fields of sunflowers happy! But a comfortable, peaceful, basic happiness that is independent of daily life circumstances. Of course, I have transient moods, just like everyone does. And when sad things have happened, the death of friends for instance, I've grieved. But it passes. I regain my peace.
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To be totally honest, I don’t think I want to be happy. Happiness is such a shallow and meaningless emotion to me. There is nothing of substance to think about, write about, or talk about. Maybe I haven’t ever experienced true happiness and I’m just scared of what I don’t know. But I do know that the times I felt happy was always skin deep and a prelude to more misery. What do you do with yourself when you don’t have rooms full of emotional baggage to contend with? Just sit around and think about how great it is to be alive? That sounds so meaningless.
I don’t even know what my goal of therapy is because I don’t know if I even want to be happy. I just feel compelled to go. I feel like it’s something I have to do because I can recognize that my idea of what happiness is probably isn’t completely accurate. Even though I’m actually kind of scared of what this abstract thing is, I try to make it a habit to never let fear make my decisions. Sometimes, I don’t manage to do that as well as I would like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
Your current psychology isn't a roadmap determining your future. I know this both because you have insight and are pursuing therapy, and because I know it's possible from my own experience.
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I still don’t understand how being insightful means I’ll get through this. If anything, it means that I’m more likely to understand that life is just a giant disappointment. Good things happen sometimes, but it doesn’t mean anything when it can’t overpower the effects of the bad.
I’m not trying to just push away every single suggestion people make. I know you’re probably completely spot on with saying I might have depressive disorder. My T will probably offer very little input if I use those words though. She’s pretty against using labels with me. She says I use labels to validate how I feel. I don’t really know what’s wrong with that. Maybe she wants me to find validation through other ways.
But I can recognize that my frame of thought is probably jaded by something along the lines of depressive disorder and what I perceive to be true isn’t. That’s why I’m not planning on making the decision to end my life until I’ve had a lot more time in a less stressful environment to think about it. Hopefully I don’t slip up again and allow my fear to make that decision for me. It really doesn't matter if I do mess up and leave prematurely though. The universe ultimately doesn't need me and the people who would be hurt by it would eventually get over it.