I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I was really struck by your statement that you want to be a better client for her, that you're worried about messing things up. It's not your job to be a "good" client, to perform well, to be anything other than what and who you are. It's your T's job to meet you where you are.

Easy to say, of course. I have spent months trying to get my head around the fact that my T is not going to leave because I said the wrong thing or acted out. I act out constantly, apparently trying to find whatever it is that is finally going to make him leave. He said: "Short of bringing a gun in here, it would be very difficult for you to screw this up." I said: "I don't need to bring a gun! I can screw anything up!"

But that's not how therapy works. Because it's YOUR therapy, and it is what you need it to be. Nobody gets to tell you that you messed it up. And I'm willing to wager that you haven't messed everything up and your therapist doesn't hate you or think you shouldn't have told her stuff - those are your feelings, and they're lying to you and telling you that your T thinks the same. I always think my T will be angry or disgusted with me for talking to him and he never is.

You need someone to trust, but you don't have a template for that, you don't have anywhere to put your T's caring and kindness, it seems absurd and suspicious and dangerous to you that this person might actually stick around and let you hold onto them, so you're scared. I think you should show your T what you wrote here, I really really do.