Thanks, Rainbow - I do know I'll be o.k. and I have many days I don't even think of my T. So, I don't know why this emotion is revving up now (except for the fact that I'm leaving quickly)

I don't want to admit that I still have this strong attachment and need of T. Geeez, I am a professional woman who has worked in academia and run businesses. I manage employees and I have been lead director of certain academic programs. I've raised 3 children towards adulthood. If anyone looks at my life they will observe a self-confident and accomplished person who is not afraid of admitting I don't know something or confessing that I've been wrong about something.

Now, it's not that I'm super human - not at all but to maneuver oneself in life a certain amount of self confidence and ability is necessary. Being strong is admired and being accomplished is valued.

Showing or sharing emotions is frowned upon - unless maybe anger which can be interpreted as a sign of strength.

We don't want to seem weak. Women AND men have this fear, I believe. So, many times we just ignore or stuff our emotions and pretend they don't exist. When they do flare, we feel discomfort and try to get rid of them as quickly as possible.

I understand the whole dynamic of attachment to therapist and after initial dismay that I had that 'condition' a couple of years ago, I studied the issue enough so that I learned to accept it and know that the attachment would lead to my emotional wellness.

AND, I'm am definitely not as needy as earlier. So, the emotions that are revving up now about termination with my T are unwanted. I'm defaulting into that "I'm strong, I don't need T" mode of thinking which is a lie to myself. And after this amount of time, I find myself feeling embarrassed by the feelings.

I guess I also suspect (this just came to me now as I write) that her knowing she's losing me as a client diminishes her loyalty to my emotional well-being. I know that's not true but a kind of distrust is seeping in. Can she easily abandon me if I don't serve HER purposes?

A piece of me just wants to end it with her now and not even try to have a smooth transition (hardly any time left). But I won't. I'm still too attached.

Dang, I feel like an abandoned baby crying for her mother who has left her stranded.