not sure where to put this. not really sure what it is. been struggling with a change in therapists these last 2 weeks, and a very abrupt termination from my former T (in the last 15-30 minute of the session, he told me he will be switching focus to helping the new T get to know me, and we will not be having another session. I knew he was finished with his internship at the end of the month, but we had yet to talk about a specific termination date. There was no real closure, we didn't get to wrap up our time together in a neat little package, and I didn't even really get to address saying goodbye. I have a lot of loss issues, so goodbyes are really important to me...).
My ex is coming to visit this weekend. We are on good terms, but she is often critical of my mental health and how I handle things. I don't want to end up talking to her about how I am doing, and I don't want to have to have my "social" face on all weekend. My moods are really unstable lately. I have a hard enough time being cordial with my family, forget about a guest.
One of my hatchling geckos passed away yesterday because I suck. I'm only doing the bare minimum with them, and it's showing. I am trying to find them new homes, but it's hard to find people who want them (really common type of gecko in the pet trade). Anyway, he died, and I feel like a lousy gecko mom. Sometimes my depression just gets the better of me. Even when I ask my wife for help with them, I am met with resentment and complaining.
Our couple's therapist cancelled today when we were halfway there (a half-hour drive from here). I wasn't really looking forward to talking to her today, but the added change in schedule really threw me off. I didn't realize it till later on, but my wife had be right when she asked if it bothered me that J was cancelling...
I feel like everything is just falling apart instead of getting better. I finally was granted disability, but I don't know what to do next with it. My old T and I had plans to look for a higher level of care (at least a day program) once disability came through, but this new therapist doesn't really get why I would want or need it. She also only has 1 hour a week available. I had been seeing my old T twice a week. She's also more skills-oriented, and I know I definitely need time to process stuff. I'm back to feeling like I really need more than just a one-hour-a-week session. There's too much going on to tackle in that short a time. I still don't really trust her enough to be able to bring up the things I need to in session. I leave there feeling like I just opened the door to things and now I have to hold it together for another week.
I'm lost and cranky and short with everyone and everything. I have no patience. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. Nothing is fun anymore. And the anxiety meds I take just amplify all the mood swings.
I'm so tired of all this. Can it just all go away?