Really amazed. It's been, more or less, years, since I "really" SIed.

I say "really" since my mind puts it into rationalization - it isn't SI if it isn't x, y, or z. But it still is, in some ways, yes?

If I say scratching isn't SI, I can let myself off the hook for that.
If I pick at scabs and say it isn't SI, I can excuse that.

And so it continues. It's like I want to test myself to see how far I'll let myself slip. But I know if I ever go back to cutting, with a razor or with a knife... that it would not do me any good. But sometimes I really do miss it.

I really am not going to do anything bad, but my brain likes to entertain itself with possibilities, with rationalizations... and I know that I can't let it continue, but it's kind of hard to fight with your brain all the time.

(Thank god for antidepressants. Although I've been less than stellar at taking those regularly recently).