So I'm not sure what I need here... Maybe just some assurance that some of you have been there and lived to tell the tale? Nudge me to take care of things like the adult I pretend to be?

I think I've been in a bit (or a lot) of denial about how much I've been ignoring some crucial areas of my life. This is my pattern: I either neglect big stuff because I'm depressed or I get anxious and depressed because of the pileup of stuff I've ignored.

Right now there's some big financial stuff that's coming to back to bite me in the butt because I've avoided and avoided it for so long. It's not the first time I've had this kind of problem but I think it's the first time I've had it so badly. Don't know if it's my depression or just feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I have just stuck my head in the sand...

I have talked to T about it some and she's been helpful and nice but I am really just too ashamed to admit the extent of it. I feel really dumb too because this is a problem that I've totally just brought on myself, if I'd dealt with it properly over the last few years there wouldn't be a problem. I just get totally frozen with fear and a sense that I'm incompetent when it comes to money.

Also I have this persistent sense that I've been bad (not, like, in the sense of naughty fun... just super guilty about everything) and that if people find out I'll be punished. I have an overwhelming fear of the people I need to communicate with in order to deal with this issue. I am just about panic stricken. I feel like I'm not competent to live my life, you know?

I know I need to talk about it some more with T but frankly I'd rather, I dunno, rehash the rape than deal with this. It's unreasonable but I feel like she'll decide she hates me when she figures out how much I suck. Like I've managed to hide it successfully for two years but once she sees what a horrible mess I am she'll kick me out. Or she won't kick me out but she'll know I'm gross and awful and be mean or pitying or something. It's irrational I know: she's not mean and while I've irresponsible, it's not like I've become an ax murderer or child molester or anything. But it obviously isn't the kind of fear that responds to reason...