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Old Aug 15, 2013, 11:06 PM
reddoor reddoor is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
Throughout my 20 year life I've been a friendly, outgoing and happy person. Excelling academically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. A number of years ago I realised that I'm gay. At the time I decided I was gay because I was curious (sexually) about a friend of mine. Reflecting on my past I could find many occasions where my behaviour could be classified as homosexual such as always starring at guys in class and dismissing girls etc... A couple years after this realisation I decided that I'm not gay, that it was just a phase perhaps brought on by the fact that I tended to see girls as potential friends only. I never understood why, I just attributed it to a reluctance to partake in a relationship. I was never brought up with the mentality that you definitely have to have a girlfriend to be 'normal'.

Here's my dilemma, over the last few years I've been seeing much less of my friends and attending less and less family events. It's now reached the extent where the only contact I have with family and friends is via TXT or calls. It's not that I no longer get asked to spend time with family or friends, I'm just reluctant to see anyone I know well. I've changed countries and isolated myself further. I have no problem meeting new people but putting myself into a situation with people I know makes me somewhat anxious.

I'm confused as much as much you probably are now, generally you'd expect someone to be more comfortable with family and friends rather than strangers. Not in my case. Why?!

It's creating a great deal of distress for me, I find myself second guessing my decisions, reflecting on my day and pinpointing all my mistakes even if they were meaningless like giving someone an inaccurate time when asked "Excuse me, what time do you have?". Being a rational person I know this isn't normal behaviour, I can quite confidently assume that it's due to me feeling lonely from blocking people out of my life which at the same time makes me wonder why all of a sudden I'm so lonely, "maybe I need to do more to impress people".

To round up my issues, I'm feeling lonely, worthless and find myself getting angry or upset over little occurrences in my life. I'm doubting my sexuality, I find it hard to sleep, I don't go out as often as I used to, even for shopping so I find myself living off an unhealthy diet of just processed foods. To top it all off I've lost interest in my religion. I feel like I'm loosing everything good that I had going for me.

I know what I've described above suggests I suffer from depression, which I agree with however I do not understand what has all of a sudden caused me to act and feel this way. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'd be described by others as the last possible person to develop depression, so why me?

Thank you for taking the time to read my story any help would be much appreciated.

I'm sorry I've presented many issues that can be broken down into separate questions such as religion & sexuality. I've just typed whatever has come to mind. Please don't focus on my sexuality when providing answers, I've seen from other questions that people automatically pinpoint orientation and acceptance as the core issue at hand. I do not believe it is in my case. I merely used it as an example so you can better judge my thought processes.
Hugs from:
bharani1008, online user