Why?

I once asked a therapist this question not in regards to my abusers birthday, I don't have any memories of birthdates let alone my abusers but in general why I had conflicting feelings instead of just hating my abuser.

the therapist told me that this was a normal part of the healing process. When someone is abused they go through a "cycle" where first there is hate and pain and so on and then there is a point where the person is no longer focused on the hate, the pain and the abuse but is starting to see t hat not everything including abuse is black and white. That there may well be circumstances outside the survivors life of pain and what they went through that were causing factors in the abuse that happened.

She also said this point is like reaching the topp of the mountain where before the survivor had to dig in their heals and claw their way to the top but now once they reach this point in healing they are now starting the gentle hike on two feet on solid ground with a few loose rocks but not enough to totally upset their balance of using their coping tools and taking care of themselves down the other side of the mountain. on this side of the mountain they start having and making a better life for themselves because they are no longer having to claw and crawl up through all the pain and so on. They focus instead on things in their present life that is much more important to them.

And for me she was right. At that point in my life I was more starting to focus on helping others and making a home for me and my child then I was focusing on the pain of the abuse and so on.

Hang in there.