I've been sleeping a lot lately, just trying to avoid everything that makes me FEEL. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed with my whole life and I don't want anyone to know. I've been like this for so long sometimes I wonder if it's just part of who I am, part of how I'm always going to be. I think I should just try to accept it, instead of constantly telling myself that it's not how things should be, but it's difficult when it's the way things have always really been. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that it's not normal to be depressed/to feel so empty and worn out everyday?

I've tried so hard for so long to push through it, to make plans, to set goals, distractions, change focus, but it all comes back to me feeling the same- EMPTY. I think sometimes it's because I've changed so many things about myself to try to help how bad I feel, but the people and situations around me have stayed the same or worsened. I need so much for someone to reach out to me, someone to just care and not want something from me. I've been fooled so many times into letting people in that just used me, situations in which I was so desperate for a connection I kept telling myself that they really cared and that one day they'd see my worth and start treating me the way I deserved. This went on until one day I turned around and all of those people were gone.

I know I can't survive without friends, but with my current situation I don't know how it's possible to find anyone to try to make that connection with. If I was working a regular job instead of caregiving I could try to find friends that way, if I had children I could try to forge a friendship with my children's friend's parents etc. There are just so many ways that my current situation is limiting me from having the one thing I feel I need most of all, a real friend.