Hello,

First of all, I apologize for what turned out to be such a long post!! But when I saw the title of your post, it really hit home. I'm in bed so much I consider myself to be pretty much of a breathing corpse. I put off any and all responsibility - housekeeping, exercise, laundry - because I can't get out of bed.

You pretty much summed up the last FORTY-FIVE years of my life, except for the sister and supporting parents. I wish I could say there was something that helped me. I've been in therapy and seen psychiatrists since I was 18 and I've been hospitalized 3 times during the last 8 years. Anti-depressants don't seem to do a lot (anything?) for me.

Most of my life I've felt inferior and guilty for things I have no control over. The only joy I had in life was raising my son, who is now 25 and lives half way across the country. Even as he was growing up, I felt like I was always too tired and emotionally checked out for much of his childhood, although he claims the opposite. He's very supportive and is the one and only reason I'm still around. I have no other support system - friends gave up on me after years of trying to coax me out of the house to join their activities. I used to hate it when they'd say, "come on! you'll feel so much better if you just get out of the house!" Wrong - I could hardly wait to get back home to my bed. I've been married twice and had two other significant (lousy) relationships, but I guess it just came down to me being too depressed to have another person in my life.

After 30+ years of struggling at every job I've ever held, I finally applied for disability, which was granted in just 5 months. So while I no longer have work as a stressor in my life, I am now trying to survive on a very limited income - had to move to an apartment in a neighborhood that's not at all safe. I have to use food pantries to stretch out my grocery money. I can no longer pay for psychiatrists or medication and have been waiting seven months to see a psychiatrist who will treat patients on a sliding scale. Poverty has made my condition so much worse. You'd think once you're granted disability, funds would be made available to treat the illness, but no.

I see a new psychiatrist in two weeks. I honestly the only reason I'm bothering is so I can be prescribed medication for insomnia which I've had since I was 12. I have no reason to hope that this experience will be any more helpful than those in the past. I'm fairly certain my life will go on just as you describe - in bed, numb and not really living. But it's not as if I haven't tried all these years.

I know I sound like Debbie Downer - I'm sorry for that. But you're still young and there's all sorts of treatment out there. Don't give up! I hope you find the right combination of therapy and medication so you can start living your life with enthusiasm - outside of bed! GOOD LUCK!