I already apologize for the random rambling I know this post is going to turn out to be. I just need to vent so badly and I have nobody to talk to.

I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I'm exploding inside while I'm just smiling and being completely cool and collected on the outside. I don't really know how to categorize how I'm feeling. Sometimes I 'feel too much' and sometimes I'm just numb. I just can't seem to find a balance.

I live 6,000 miles away from a home that never quite felt like my home. I have abandonment issues; I was abandoned by my birth mother and then adopted and I think my whole life was affected by that very event. I never felt completely and genuinely happy, nor adequate. I always felt like I wasn't enough. I put up walls, I don't let myself get too close to people, I coat everything with irony and sarcasm, I don't want to let people in my life know I'm not okay. Because I'm not. I'm sad and I feel hopeless. I feel stuck in a life that is not really mine. I feel like I've cornered myself one bad choice after the other. I feel like a disappointment.

I see people that make living life seem so easy. They've got it all figured out; they have a life plan, a purpose... And here I am, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, thinking how hard it is to even motivate myself to get dressed to go to class when all I wanna do is to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. I wish I were passionate about something like other people around me are. But everything seems so futile.

Some days I feel so sad it gets hard to breath because everything hurts. I could be reading a random article about nothing particularly emotional and just feel the need to cry because everything is just too much. I'm overwhelmed and I'm not even sure by what. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out, but that would just be too out of character.

I just want to know how to function properly. I want to know how to live life like a normal person. Why is it so hard for me to feel happy, content, loved? I just want to connect like a normal person.