*hugs* I'm so proud of you for going out without the backpack! That isn't a "little" exposure, that's huge!

The only one of my experiments that was totally new to me was the pedicure - I've gone to the theatre before and I've ate out before on my own. Those took me YEARS of working up the guts to do it.

I worry about my T quitting too, because what he wants me to be able to do I just am not capable of doing it yet, and I'm not sure how that is going to work. And I have a pretty poor attitude towards even going to therapy, and the fact that my first and primary goal since starting meds is to get back OFF them (which he doesn't agree with), the fact that the thought-diaries I'm to be keeping I feel are more harmful than anything else, the fact that I am reallllly slow at any change in myself and worry that he'll get impatient with me, and that I think I'm a bigger can of worms than he anticipated.

So... I worry a lot about it. And I haven't told him that, because I don't know him well enough yet and don't trust him at all. Which isn't very fair because he seems like a good person - but I can know someone and hang out with them and consider them a friend and not trust them an inch. So how I am going to manage it with him is beyond me.

Why don't you try to switch your thinking about the exposures with your T. Instead of thinking "My T is here to watch and evaluate me" try to think "My T is here to support me so that I'm NOT truly doing this alone... I've got someone here with me whom I trust". Hard, right, but just say it to yourself every time you think that he's going to judge you. His job is to support, not to judge. ((I hate being observed too, and is why I can manage going to the theatre solo, but can't stand the idea of going to a fitness class solo)).

I understand feeling scared of being happy and healthy. When I go through a good phase for long enough I tend to get worried and wonder where on earth my depression went and when is it going to come back and kick my butt next? It's like... I never know what's around the next bend, and I don't seem to trust myself when I'm feeling good for too long. But, it's easier now than it was a decade ago.

Just keep doing the things that YOU feel are an appropriate challenge. If it's too big, tell him that. Like... if your T wants you to do some exposure therapy with him there? Why not start with by doing something like grocery shopping without the backpack? You've done it once now, maybe invite him along. Try getting used to being somewhere with him where you DO already feel safe, so that you can learn to feel safe WITH him. Does that make any sense? You could always suggest it and see what he says.