Sometimes I wish my mind would just shut off and just rest. My mind runs in circles, does somersaults, and sometimes just seems to disappear. I'm tired at the end of the day from talking so much and yet I haven't uttered a spoken word to anyone, just myself, my head. I try to be what everyone expects. I try to anticipate and meet their needs before they even have to ask. I fear if I am anything less than perfect they will leave me. Alot of times, it is easiest to be alone because then there is no one to interrupt my quest for perfection. But, in that quest I drive others away. I'm afraid everyone will leave and I will be alone. I feel lost right now. The way I feel is a secret. It is a guilty secret but it is mine. It gives me something to hold on to. It fills me up yet empties me out. Inside it divides my brain. I need--I don't need. Sometimes I feel the problem me, has a beginning and an end. The problem will be solved if I shrink away, contain myself. Forgetting who I am, where I am, or if I am even here. Sometimes getting lost in thought, that I am imaginary. Everything-dreaming-I am not really here. I do not exist. The thought that if I stare away ;long enough, I will disappear. I will be sucked in. Afraid. Not feeling I can live inside my body anymore. I feel myself withdrawing into myself away from people. Focusing on sensations and pain, spinning in my head--my only control., yet terrified. Sometimes I become less and less afraid of hurting and begin thinking I will shrink away. And I am somewhat afraid but I cling to the idea that this will save me in the end. I hate me. In our mind, hatred is much closer to love. My head is never quiet. Quiet is an inbetween point, a balance between noise and silence. Sometimes it is like a blackout, pure silence. A hellish shrieking jumble of my own thoughts and the voices of my world. Sometimes sound stops and I stare alone, and float off. Sometimes I feel such a sadness and fear, a rush so needed, so fierce. I cry out in silence so not to bother anyone. But no one knows these things. I hate it and all it causes-pain-hurt-but yet it cannot be escaped. I can be no more than a blank space, no more than a very small voice. I am afraid. Where is my control? I fear posting this as these are inner feelings that I don't share with others. I am afraid no one will understand or want to hear me. How I wish I had a friend to share with that would not judge me for what I feel. Does anyone hear? Is anyone out there? I feel really scared right now.