The last line of your response, is what I have to remember. And you are right/I will take my meds and I will try and use supplements/tinctures to take off the edge.

I am feeling better (on med) and there is this forgetting (?) that occurs of how bad things were just a little while ago. I also will be w/o insurance soon, so I worry about cost.

It's just hard to think that the medicine is forever even though I have been put on them off and on for over 20 years. Over half my life!

I think my reluctance to medicate consistently also comes from years of self-medication and residual shame that comes from drug use pared with this belief that I can "beat" it.

Hmmm... I guess there comes a time where you just have to own your illness I just feel like I am hiding it all the time which makes it worse.

Stigma is a powerful thing. Identity is also.