Hey everybody...

I don't know what to say or where to start from, but I'll give it a shot, maybe somebody will tell me a clue to my life...

I've been having OCD since I was a child, having different symptoms of it. But the most debilitating two are:

1* That every move or talk I have with any person, especially people who are close to me, I interpret it that he's trying to tease or harm me, so I keep asking him questions for why did he do it (ex., why did he say such a thing or looked at me this way, or bumped me) until he answers with a specific answer or says sorry in a specific way that relieves my obsessions. Of course, this makes me intolerable to people around me, that's why now I have to live in a house alone away from my family, so they could have a normal life, & I can't have very close friendships, & worst of all, any relationship I get into get messed up, so I'll never in my life get to enjoy being married & having beautiful babies. I'll die alone...

2* I've always comforted myself that even if I'll be alone in my life I could make it up by achieving great success in my studies (completing Master's & having PhD & scholarships abroad) & make it high in my work. But my OCD wouldn't leave me to even make it up through success in this. 'Cause I've got this debilitating obsessions of perfectionism, that I want to get everything perfect, extremely perfect without any flaws. So everytime I mess up something even if negligible in my life, like oversleeping & missing up studying for one day, or missing to brush my teeth, or spending some overtime on facebook to check something that I shouldn't check according to my specifically organized detailed way of opening websites; I end up my life; meaning that I stop doing everything in my life (praying, working, studying, going out with friends, etc.) & I disorganize my life for a coupla days or weeks to make it completely imperfect or messed up, & then I start all over again from the beginning a perfect organized life, & I start everything from the beginning, like for ex., I have to delete my facebook account totally with all my friends & start a completely new facebook account, & I have to put all my previous notebooks in trash & get a new notebook to start it from the beginning, or I have to abandon any books I'm currently reading & start a new book.

The problem is that this point has totally messed my life up & is hindering my success to make up for lost relationships. I didn't get one of the top in my class in high school (my dad always used to tell me that if it weren't for my OCD, my smart mind would've led me to be the top grade among all schools in the country), & I dropped out of medical school ('cause each time I stop my life, & start all over again I have to begin studying from page 1 chapter 1 in every book, that I got stuck all year just repeating studying chapter one & never getting beyond it), & although I finished political science college, but I didn't get in the top so I couldn't be appointed as a professor in college like I wanted. Now, I never get stuck in one job...

I went to over dozens of psychiatrists here in Egypt, but I can't find anyone who'd practice with me psychotherapy. All psychiatrists here just give me drugs, which never work for me, 'cause I can't find anyone to make psychotherapy with me. I searched for American psychiatrists to practice psychotherapy with online through email, but their prices are too high, I can't afford it.

Now, since over two weeks, I've stopped my life, I stopped going to work (which I'm probably gonna get kicked out of because I'm having severe obsessions with my work-colleagues since over a month ago), & I stopped studying my Master's (which I'm probably gonna get kicked out of, because it's been five years now & I can't finish my thesis because of the stopping/starting my life & perfectionism problem), & I'm sitting all alone here in the house doing nothing & talking to nobody & blowing my mind off with obsessions...

Now I have this strong urge to have a new start for my life by quitting my current job & searching for a new one & dropping out of Master's, so my new beginning would be completely new & perfect without any leftovers And anyhow, each time I get out of bed to start my life again, I stop & get back to bed, 'cause I can't find a reason to start my life again, since I know that I'm definitely gonna stop it again, & anything I begin (whether an activity, a sport, a new book, a facebook account, a new course, etc.) I'll never get to finish to the end, 'cause I'll keep stopping & starting my life till the day I finally rest & die alone...