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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
*hugs* I'm so proud of you for going out without the backpack! That isn't a "little" exposure, that's huge!
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Thank you. I don't know if it's huge but it's a first step at least. Anyway, this morning my mother asked me to go with her to the city centre to buy some things. She's got a spinal disc herniation at the moment and is waiting for surgery and since she, because of that, can't really carry stuff she needed my help. I really didn't want to go but I wanted to help her so I went anyway. During lunch. Without my backpack. It went quite alright. Was a bit more anxious than yesterday and I spent quite some time doing compulsions (touched things, evened things out etc) for no reason. Anyway, I made it.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
I worry about my T quitting too, because what he wants me to be able to do I just am not capable of doing it yet, and I'm not sure how that is going to work.
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Are you going to talk to him about it? Once you trust him more that is.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
Why don't you try to switch your thinking about the exposures with your T. Instead of thinking "My T is here to watch and evaluate me" try to think "My T is here to support me so that I'm NOT truly doing this alone... I've got someone here with me whom I trust". Hard, right, but just say it to yourself every time you think that he's going to judge you. His job is to support, not to judge.  ((I hate being observed too, and is why I can manage going to the theatre solo, but can't stand the idea of going to a fitness class solo)). |
But what if he judges me anyway? I don't even want him to think positive things such as "she's doing a great job" or "she made it!" etc. I don't know why it scares me so much. I just really don't want to be observed by anyone.
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Originally Posted by A Red Panda
Just keep doing the things that YOU feel are an appropriate challenge. If it's too big, tell him that. Like... if your T wants you to do some exposure therapy with him there? Why not start with by doing something like grocery shopping without the backpack? You've done it once now, maybe invite him along. Try getting used to being somewhere with him where you DO already feel safe, so that you can learn to feel safe WITH him. Does that make any sense? You could always suggest it and see what he says.
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You're right. I hope he agrees (I worry that he won't, of course). Last time I saw him (which was on Monday this week) he told me that if I did some exposures in town without my backpack and the anxiety level didn't get lower every time I did it he'd come with me. He said if the anxiety level doesn't get lower then I'm probably doing something wrong (as in still avoiding things even though I don't necessarily realise it). That makes me nervous too because that means he'd be evaluating me. Again.
I feel like I'm quite messed up.